A surprising truth was hidden in the silence

Recently  I participated in an online workshop. When the two-hour session concluded, the leader asked each person to share what stayed with them from the experience.

Some offered bits of wisdom, others shared new perspectives. Then one woman, who had been quiet up until then, said, “I don’t have a takeaway to share, because all I could think this whole time is that I really don’t belong here.”

Whereas before I’d been distracted by my own thoughts and plans for the rest of my day, now I was really listening. The woman went on, “Everyone here has more education and experience than I do, and you all have clever things to say–but I don’t.” She paused, and I expected the group leader to jump in and reassure the woman that of course she fits in. But instead, we all waited until the woman continued:

“Really, the reason I don’t belong here today is because although I showed up for this workshop, I never really joined.”

I got more out of that woman’s share than I did the previous one hour and fifty-five minutes of content. And I’ve been thinking about it ever since: How much more might have gained from that online experience if I’d done more than just log in, sit back, and wait to be wowed? What might I have learned if I’d committed my full attention and my open heart to what was being offered?

Then I thought about all the times in my life when I have felt like I didn’t belong: from my angsty teenage sense of not fitting in, to work environments where I didn’t feel I had much in common with my colleagues beyond the person who signed our paychecks. I thought about the exercise classes where I’ve stretched and sweated along with the group–but never get to know the other group members or instructors. If I feel untethered, left out, or like something’s missing—very likely the missing piece is my attention, my presence, my inner “Yes!” in response to life’s invitation to wake fully into each moment.

This is a lesson I can apply to situations beyond just the workshops, study circles, and workplaces I find myself in. I can apply this contemplation to what it means to join a conversation, a meal, a day. Now, each time I don’t feel like I belong, I ask myself: Have I even tried to join?

I invite you to take this contemplation into your day and your week, too. If you are feeling left out, misunderstood, or on the outside of a situation—ask yourself:

• Have I made a good faith effort to join? Have I let the others in the group know a little bit about who I am? Have I let someone know what my needs are? Have I committed my attention to what is being offered?
• In these days of online offerings, free seminars, and a seemingly unending stream of invitations to participate—have I chosen wisely? When we’re over-committed, it’s the same as not being fully committed to anything. So, ask  yourself: Can I do less so I can be present more?
• How can I apply the lessons of belonging to other parts of my life? If I feel disconnected within a relationship with my partner or a friend, can I take a step toward joining by bringing more curiosity and authenticity to the relationships I’ve chosen to participate in?
• How else can I say Yes! to experiences in my life? Can I slow down and welcome all of the flavors in the spoonful of soup I’m about to eat?  Can I engage all of my senses to help me join this very moment with more conscious awareness?

Here’s one more thought before I sign off for now:

Valentine’s day is approaching. This day of love can also be a day when many people feel left out. I offer you this quote from bell hooks for another take on what belonging might look like:

“A generous heart is always open, always ready to receive our going and coming. In the midst of such love we need never fear abandonment.”
― Bell Hooks, All About Love: New Visions

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